ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

THOUGH THE BABY-FACED PUBLIC servant is well into his twenties, Constable Damien Longshanks from the Broadbeach LAC has chosen his trendiest threads to pound the pavement tonight as a plain-clothed policeman.

Tasked with keeping Queenslanders safe from the scourge of public drunkenness and MDMA, the 29-year-old spent some time this afternoon putting together his look in his Pacific Pines apartment.

“I’ve got these radical SMP denim shorts because I know it’s going to be sticky as Redskin golly tonight,” he said.

“The kids don’t wear sneakers anymore, they’ve gone out of fashion. I’ve got a pair of New Balances that are both comfortable and practical. I could run down Darius Boyd in these bastards. But yeah, mate. It’s all about blending in.”

Longshanks concedes that he won’t be able to wear a ‘cool’ belt on the count of all the gear he has to carry with him while on duty, such as handcuffs, mace and a Glock 17.

Another thing he doesn’t have time for are ‘drug dealers’ or members of the wider community who are ‘looking to buy drugs.’

“We take a pretty dim view of those people,” explained Damien.

“If we find dealers making trouble or taking advantage of somebody, drag them into a fire escape or something and just go ham on them. Those extendable batons are next level, they’re almost as effective as the Glock. Then we put their wheezing corpse into a ‘drunk chair’ and wheel them out onto the beach to sleep the beating off.”

“Just another way we’re keeping everyone safe.” he said.

More to come.


  1. Where is the Betoota Advocate’s Horoscopes page? I feel my life would be enormously improved by sage advice from Betoota’s astrologers.

  2. Brianna, your insatiable thirst for non-specific life advice must mean you’re a Scorpio.

    Scorpio’s, like their namesake the gentle scorpion, are naturally trusting and outgoing people – always eager to try out alternatives and seek out new experiences. This places you at risk from politicians and petition gatherers, especially in early 2017 as your sign begins its ascent. Avoid investing in bridges or cross-city tunnels and don’t make eye contact with anyone with dreads or wearing a conspicuous fluoro-vest.

    Saturn, the sovereign aspect of douche-bag ex-boyfriends, may also exert some influence over unattached Scorpios as it crosses over in late January. Consider blocking any Aries or Leo’s, with the exception of tall dark strangers, astrologers and successful tradies.


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