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A local woman is convinced that 2018 is going to be her year, despite the fact that she’ll change absolutely nothing about her behaviour or the decisions she regularly makes.

Tessa Phillips, 29, is hoping that midnight on New Year’s Eve will mark a new start for her, and she plans on celebrating the exact same way she’s celebrated her last 8 new starts – a pack of smokes and a finger of Absolut Pear vodka.

“It’s been a bit of a tough year”, said Ms. Phillips in a statement. “I lost my job, had to move back in with my parents, and my health has been described by doctors as ‘technically the same as a 95 year old asthmatic’ – But I can feel 2018 is really going to be my year, you know?”

“I mean, it’s a brand new start! None of the decisions I made in 2017 will matter anymore! It’ll be like I’ve never smoked in my life, instead of a pack a day for the last 12 years!”

Ms. Phillips is confident that all she needs to live her best life is for the clock to strike 12 on New Year’s, instead of making any meaningful long-term changes to her actions or how she makes decisions.

“People keep saying to me things like ‘stop smoking’ or ‘stop taking drugs’ or ‘maybe you should go to work this month’. But why would I do that when I can just wait for 2018 and then just have, like, a really good year? That seems way easier!”

Ms. Phillips has also planned for the “incredibly low” chance that nothing actually changes next year and she ends up having a horror 2018.

“Its simple, I’ll just wait for New Year’s!”


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