ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

He blames his chronic tiredness on the heat and his flat personality on his lack of sleep but the truth to Sam Franklin’s lack-of-life is in his nocturnal phone habits.

Speaking to our reporter this afternoon with the same dead-eyes he uses to avoid emails with, the 24-year-old office person said he often tries to go to sleep on time, he just can’t.

“I know my phone is keeping me up, I’ve read enough clickbait articles to know that looking at memes at 3 am probably isn’t going to put me to sleep,” he said.

“Why do I do it? I don’t know. Maybe because looking at memes distracts me from my own thoughts about life and where it’s going. If I’m doing OK, if I know what I’m doing. It’s hard to go to sleep when you’ve got such a hypercritical monologue playing on repeat in the back of your mind,”

“Looking at memes to the point of absolute exhaustion, whereby the primal systems inside your brain overpower the hubris and you fall asleep mercifully at 4:12 am, is the only way I’m able to do it. Why am I like this?”

A recent government study of young people and why they do the things they do concluded that there are no answers at the bottom of a screen – no matter how much you scroll.

The CSIRO has suggested that dwelling on life after midnight is unnecessary as nobody actually knows what they’re doing and the ones that say they do are lying.

“We’ve discovered that perhaps doing like maybe halfa of some pretty hard running or something can really knacker you out,” said one CSIRO person.

“Also, there’s clear evidence to suggest that nobody, including the CSIRO, knows what they’re doing. We’re all just tiny bits of space dust on a rock in the middle of a giant vacuum,”

“What else do you want me to say?”

More to come.



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