Speaking in hushed tones, a group of local mums are today conspiring about whose heathen child could possibly be patient zero, after a mass email from the school’s principal confirmed that a student had been found with nits.

Spearheaded by head bitch and leader of the parent-teacher council, Patricia Wheaten-Leadly, the group of enraged mothers have been quick to point fingers as to who they believe has infected the classrooms of exclusive Betoota Grove Primary School.

In their bid to avoid the sudden plague of lice, a series of students have reportedly started practicing social distancing and even shaving off their fuckwit hairstyles in favour of a standard buzz cut.

Our reporter reaches out to a local mum and teacher to learn more about the pandemic.

“You do everything you can to avoid this sort of filth”, spits Monica Gray, mother to Nelson Gray-Chatterton the third, “I’m not casting blame but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was one of those kids from the Heights.”

Another mother, Isabella Astor-Alderidge adds that she believes the school should be shut down as a preventative measure and that if ‘they could do it for Coronavirus, they could do it for this.’

In the classroom itself, a number of students have reportedly taken on the bullying actions of their parents, which seems to have kicked in a lot earlier than expected.

Teacher Leisel Watts tells our reporter that she was used to teaching entitled brats in middle school but that her fourth-grade classroom had too, starting brimming with political tension.

As a Lord of Flies grade manhunt ensued, Ms. Watts reveals it quickly became apparent exactly who the offending student was when an overwhelming stench of eucalyptus came wafting through the classroom.

Though she won’t reveal the source of the smell, the hint of a smile on her face suggests a double-barrel surname may be involved.

More to come.


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