ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

As Adelaide is the closest capital city to our cosmopolitan desert community, Betoota is well-stocked with a number of uniquely South Australian dishes and cultural activities.

From heavy processed cylinders of pig meat that’s an affront to God’s design and plan for His creations to murdering people and cramming them into barrels full of acid, there’s a wide range of things to do and eat that would soothe the soul of any member of the nation’s creepiest state.

The Simpson Desert also attracts people from less sophisticated walks of life: people from New South Wales.

One such New South Welsh person made their way into the French Quarter IGA last night and laid their eyes on smiling fritz for the first time. They pulled a ticket from the roller and stood next to our reporter, who was asking the attendant for seven chicken schnitzels, one for dinner each night of the week.

“Excuse me, sir,” said the Welsh person.

“Is that meat processed? I don’t eat processed meat.”

At first, the attendant thought the person was pointing to the small pile of shaved corned beef. That would’ve been a line-ball, he says, because he’s not really sure what corned beef is. He just knows The Advocate’s editor, Clancy Overell, eats over a kilogram of it each week.

“What? That smiling fritz?” he said.

The Welsh person nodded and indicated that they were talking about the tube of pig flesh with a man’s face somehow printed inside it.

“Ma’am, that’s a five-kilogram log of deli meat. It has no bones, no connective tissue, no fat, no recognizable cut of meat. It’s an amalgamation of the meat of several pigs slaughtered over a period of about two weeks. It’s liquified and blended in a large processor similar to the one on your benchtop but much bigger. It’s then strained and forced together with the pressure of our planet’s deepest oceans until it no longer obeys the celestial forces of gravity and God’s grace. The pressure binds together into an unholy pink sock of assorted pig parts. Ma’am, there’s even skin and organ tissue in this meat you see here. You could be eating one pig’s eyebrows and another’s butthole in the same bite, ma’am. Jesus and His Dad had no hand in making this. This meat exists in part due to man’s arrogance and disrespect for the natural order of this terrible and inescapable planet. There are pieces of depleted uranium that are less processed than this meat log, ma’am.”

“We also have regular devon, which is slightly less processed but still processed. It is the one without the face.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here