ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A happy-go-lucky Betoota Grove roofer has broken his silence over the ongoing problems he’s been experiencing with his girlfriend’s cat.

Miles Helm, who turned 28 just a few days ago, told our reporters that whenever he drops into Lucy Beetlecough’s two-bedroom townhouse down in the French Quarter, her cat never seems enthused.

Helm and Beetlecough have been an item for some time now.

Some say it’s been 6 months while others say they’ve been going at it on and off for years.

Putting that to one side, Lucy got a cat this time last year because she’s an adult and wanted one.

Everything was going fine, according to Miles, until he started staying the night at Lucy’s place.

“I’d try and softly kick the cat off the bed during the night,” he said.

“Look, it’s not that I hate cats. I don’t, I just don’t want to touch them or sleep with the bastards on me. Anyway, her cat’s name is Brett and Brett is a real cunt of a cat. Mate, I’m telling you. He’s out to get me,”

“Whenever I go up or down the stairs, the little shit weaves between my legs. If I step on him, he’s got every right to bite me – and he fucking knows it. Any trespass against little Bretto and he’s on me like poo on a shoe. I’m trying my best to be mates with him and I think it’s working.”

Working indeed if you ask Lucy, which our reporter did moments after talking to Miles.

The popular nurse said that Brett and Miles get along fine, that they’re two men in her life that she loves having around.

“I’ve seen them cuddle up before on the couch, Brett loves getting the base of his tail scratched! Miles really scratches hard and Bretty just starts seizing up and pulling these funny faces, it’s so cute! Argh!”

“Why? Has Miles told you something different? MILES! Honey, what did you tell the reporter about Brett?”

“Yeah see, Miles loves him.”

More to come.



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