IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact

A bubbly Betoota Grove sexagenarian has taken time out of her busy afternoon of smoking cigarillos on the deck and watering the geraniums while they’re in direct sunlight to ring her children to say that Christmas this year is with the weird cousins.

Debbie Mulgrave, a semi-retired Crown Prosecutor, broke the news to her directionless son Colin Junior around 3pm where she says her big announcement was met with groans.

Speaking exclusively to The Advocate from the comfort of a sunchair, Debbie said she was expecting that reaction.

“We’re spending it with my husband’s cousins. He’s an only child,” she said, moments before letting out an earthshattering cough.

“Yes they are pretty weird but they’re family none the less. One thing I do know is that the kids don’t really like them that much,”

“They’d much rather go to my brother’s house because he has a pool and his kids and mine are around the same age. But he’s going to Yamba this year with his boys so we didn’t have much choice other than the Betoota Heights cousins. There’s always next year.”

Our reporter also spoke to Colin Jr, who said he doesn’t have much in common with his father’s cousin’s family and that he finds them to be ‘a full-time job’.

He told The Advocate that he always feels the need to be on because they keep asking him questions and fail to pick up on the many social cues one can give when they want a conversation to end and never start again.

“They’re always ‘on’, you know what I mean?” he said.

“Like just, don’t ask me questions when I’ve got a mouthful of food. What cunt? Do you want to wait 90 seconds for an answer while I chew? And nobody smokes. Except for Mum. And then they have the gall to give us shit for it,”

“Saying it’ll kill us. Well fuck me, bring on the Spanish Dancer if it means it’ll get me away from you quicker! Actually, I don’t mean that. Christmas should be OK. But I’m not drinking and we’re leaving at 5 on the dot.”

More to come.


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