Local News

Legalise Cannabis Party Puts Forward A Bill And You’ll Never Guess What For

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn a throwback to the sort of headlines that we thought were ruining the world back in 2014, the Legalise Cannabis Party has put forward a new bill and you’ll never guess what it’s for.Having the small amount of political power usually reserved for medium level donors and yacht owners who have a mate at the council, the...

Local Girl Dying To Know Full Yarn After Spotting Old High School Frenemy Selling Expensive Ring On Facebook Marketplace

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTIn breaking news from Betoota’s social scene, a wedding is off and a diamond ring is up for grabs for anyone looking to cash in on a bargain. The news comes as local paralegal Eliza Lee-Jameson (29) listed an 18k white gold engagement ring on Facebook marketplace this week, with the view to sell ‘immediately’. For local financial...

Bloke Struggling On Leg Press Lures Public Sympathy By Feigning Dramatic Shoulder Impingement 

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA local gym rat is expected to be nominated for an Oscar this evening after putting on a dramatic display in the gym.Duncan Cutler, 28, is gunning for Most Outstanding Performance in a Weights Room after overloading a leg press machine and almost getting crushed by the weight of his own ego.Having spent the last five...

Local Man Now On The Woodstock Zero’s After Girlfriend Does Weekly Fridge Stock Up

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has this week unwittingly found himself switching to some sugar free alcoholic drinks, after his girlfriend went rogue at the bottle shop, it’s reported. Much like the time he also somehow found himself on his girlfriend’s paleo diet, Evan Campbell , tells our reporter that a simple request to grab some grog saw him trying some...

Problem Gambler Really Lets Down His Chosen Online Betting Agency By Continuing To Gamble Irresponsibly

RORY SALAZAR | Government | ContactRetired Army Lieutenant Colonel, David Wilson (65), is spinning wildly out of control. That is not to say he has placed his head down on top of an upright baseball bat, and then quickly spun himself in tight 360 spins while his head remains touching the top of the bat. No, Wilson’s spin is a metaphorical one and more...

Aussie Tourist Forced To Sacrifice Cute Swan Shaped Villa Towel After Horrifying Case Of Bali Belly

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA super cute hotel towel has been completely soiled this evening as a Betoota man feels the wrath of a dodgy prawn skewer. After disembarking his Jetstar flight into Denpasar Airport, Betoota Mitre 10 store manager Levi Karmichael was excited to spend his first night at Blossom Boutik Villas, a gorgeous villa in Canggu. A new visitor to...

Pub Charging $4 for Gravy Like They’re Not Just Pouring Hot Plate Juices Straight Into A Cute Ceramic Dish

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTIn hospitality news, a once beloved watering hole has lost its liquor licence this week after it was revealed their swanky new gastro-pub menu doesn’t pass the pub test. Once cherished for its $5 shots of caribbean rum and 2-for-1 Tuesday schnitty night, West Betoota’s Bull and Barley Inn has recently undertaken major renovations, and has been...

Outer Metro Housing Estate Parents Wonder Why Their Kid Doesn’t Wanna Play Outside

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Two long-suffering but ultimately self-serving Gen X parents who bought a Betoota Heights house and land package in 2005 have been left clueless as to why their single child spends all his time playing computer games in his room. Playing computer games instead of running wild through the suburbs like parents Pogo and Julia Stick...

Bloke Not Sure Whether Jangling Sound Is His Girlfriend Or Cat Entering The Room

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA poor bloke from Betoota Heights has found himself living in a constant state of confusion lately, with a thoughtful gift to his girlfriend being the cause of this newfound problem. Suffering a sore neck from the constant head swivels, 32 year old software engineer Keegan Delaware tells our reporter that it sounds like he's being haunted by his...

Local Genius Uses His Supercharged Brain To Make A Fool Of Himself Again

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Victorian man has made a fool of himself today by outlining his desire to see workers sacrificed upon the altar of the Australian economy. It comes a few years after the man, yuppie habitat maker Tim Gurner, explained that young people need to stop eating avocados and drinking coffee if they want to...

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