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LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT After historic teacher strikes took place in the people’s republic of Sydney, it has been speculated that a teacher who didn’t strike must be going for a deputy principal job or something. On Thursday, a coalition of public, Catholic and private school teachers rebuked the NSW government’s planned 3% pay rise and struck for the right to a pay...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT In some breaking news from the Land of the Property Investor, Australia currently has a million homes sitting vacant. Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics has revealed that over a million dwellings are sitting idle, making up nearly 10% of housing stock in the country. The comes during a national housing crisis, with endless tales about people...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT One of the brightest minds on the newly formed Opposition has today revealed a shocking fact about the state of the nation under a Labor Government. Senator Hollie Hughes has today continued her probation period as the new culture wars vulture, by claiming that communist teachers are using their woke agenda to convince kids that they actually deserve...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT An incredibly important and time-poor man has today wowed the crowed at Betoota's Remienko Domestic Aiport. The man who must a be a celebrity or something has demonstrated how important he must be by booking himself 'Priority Boarding' for his flight to Brisbane. A weird variation of first-class, Priority Boarding allows passengers to get on the airplane roughly...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The United States Of America has once again shown why there needs to be a big fat asterisk next to its trademark slogan. Proving that they are 'home of the brave, and the land of the free' for a select group of people, the US Supreme Court has now overturned the national right to a safe medical procedure....

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Prime Minister Antony Albanese has today revealed an eyebrow-raising feature of a potential new policy. The PM has confirmed he is interested in signing up for Joe Biden’s push to limit global methane emissions by 30% from 2020 levels by the end of the decade. To achieve that, Albanese says he'll be introducing a landmark new regulation that...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man has informed his neighborhood about a rather unfortunate incident yesterday afternoon. Having a few mates from work over for an early knock-off, Lewie Hines let out one of the most audible 'fucks' in recent memory. With everyone jumping at the loud exclamation and expecting to see the man with a half his finger off or...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT After a third straight day of drying, Betoota Lakes local Zach Simpson has finally decided to bring his washing in. After testing his clothes moisture content by touch during the previous two days, the young man can finally confirm that they were just cold, and not in fact wet. "One of life's great enigmas." “You touch them and they feel wet,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Heights father of four really put his back into yesterday afternoon, it can be confirmed. Returning home from work just before sunset, Geoffrey Watson was reportedly seen going hell for leather on the rose bushes out the back. With the grass not quite ready for its weekly mow and not enough time to start on that...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A starving road worker has decided to play some ‘Caltex Roulette’ this morning, rolling the dinner dice on a chicken and mayo sandwich from his local service station. Cursing himself for once again forgetting his pre-prepared lunch, 32-year-old Maintenance Operator Brad Vaughan is understood to be peeling the soggy bread from a plastic container, and weighing...