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LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In the wake of American Independence Day, the usual group of American expats living in Australia have found themselves feeling much less homesick than usual this year. Observed every year on the fourth of July, American Independence Day marks the anniversary of their separation from the British Empire which is often celebrated with fireworks, men on stilts, and something...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local Bloke’s attempt at self-care has been ruined this week, thanks to a playlist that reminded him of his toughest heartbreak. After several weeks of back spasms, The Advocate understands local fitter and turner Brian Beaurepaire visited Royal Orchid Remedial Massage in downtown Betoota to relieve his soaring spinal pain. A massage establishment famed for its hot...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Researchers from the Royal Betoota College of Human Sciences have announced an exciting new finding today, after discovering what it believed to be the last licensed venue playing Chive TV.  A pre-historic channel that plays “the most jaw-dropping viral videos from the internet”, the service was once popular for its ability to remix videos of extreme sports,...

DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT Desperate times call for desperate measures. With the looming recession brought on by runaway inflation, rising interest rates, war in Europe, and the exponential rise in the cost of living, many quiet Australians are finding themselves in dire need to get control of their finances.  For many, the hardest part is simply making a...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | CONTACT There have been wild scenes this morning out of our nation’s capital after the Prime Minister of Australia continued the notorious ministerial ‘bonk ban’ as part of the wider implementation of what some are calling a ‘totalitarian’ new code of conduct for our oppressed Federal Ministers. Not only subjected to a ‘bonk ban’, the raging...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local man has thrown caution to the wind this week and decided to just live a little.  After promising himself earlier this year that he was going to live a more fulfilled existence of new experiences and stories, Betoota Heights man Sam Walker says he’s been enjoying a Jim Carey like approach.  “Yeah, I just say yeah to more...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Farmers across the nation received a massive scare today, after a confusing mix-up originating out of our very own Betoota Heights. The mix-up came in the horrifying form of confirmation that Foot and Mouth Disease had reached our shores. Cattle, sheep, and pig farmers have been on edge about the news that Foot and Mouth Disease has spread...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Northern Rivers medicineman has claimed this morning that the growing outbreak of diphtheria in the region is expected and usually occurs naturally. The two new cases of the serious bacterial infection are the first to be recorded in Australia this century, which has got some traditional health professionals on edge. Diphtheria is seldom seen in developed countries with a...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Leaders of the state of Newcastle, Sydney, and Wollongong (NSW) have today revealed an exciting plan to solve the problems they've been having with the public service. Premier Dominic Perrottet has informed The Advocate this morning that his government plans to simply turn it into the 'private service.' "Simple," said Perrottet. "We are going to privatise the lot,"...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A former goal shooter has been caught off guard this morning, after a routine bus ride into the city has resulted in some serious ligament discomfort. After boarding a crowded X737 bus from Betoota Heights into the financial district, it’s understood former representative netball Courtney Winders has sustained some mild injuries after being forced to stand on...