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ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Of the many side-swept and half-fucked Mercedes Benzes that potter about our bustling inland port city, not many are more fucked than that of the Royal Betoota Country Club women's captain, Wendy Dollarhyde. Wendy's B200 Mercedes-Benz buzzbox has extensive body damage and makes a dreadful noise, especially in reverse. Her friends say it's been driven up...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The war on wokeness has claimed another victim today, with a famous Australian TV show copping a significant blow. In some some curious news from the Home of the Brave and Land of The Free,* a famous episode of Round The Twist has been banned from schools in the state of Florida. Lawmakers in the state have reportedly banned...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A corporate tax professional at the PwC Betoota offices is one of the forgotten victims of the ongoing tax scandal that saw the global number-crunching outfit embroiled in a tax leak scandal where confidential government documents were marketed to their multinational clients. These multinationals used the confidential information to avoid paying the correct amount of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Fox Sports have today confirmed that tonight's NRL360 will be one for the ages! The pay TV home of Rugby League has informed the Advocate that this week's Monday night NRL360 will be one of 'the biggest, most drama filled editions of the show in history.' Not because one of the presenters was arrested and has been charged, but because...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact The Advocate unreservedly apologises to those present at Goldman Sachs’ Collins Street offices yesterday. In particular to those who witnessed the misunderstanding between this Masthead and Goldman’s Senior Regional Adviser for the Asia Pacific, Mr Josh Frydenberg. Having had time to reflect on yesterday’s events, the Advocate now realises what went wrong. It is appropriate we now clear up...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Days after the remaining people who cared watched a dole bludger be crowned King of the British Empire, Nan has confirmed that the hours long epic is even better a second time. After failing to convince any grandchildren to ‘witness history’ with her, local nana Gertrude Milker, aka Nana Gurts, watched old Charles play dress up for the 3+...

JASON BARRY | Victorian Leg Tennis | Contact In a wonderful show of class, the AFL has enhanced its inclusivity credentials by making the game more accessible to our southern island brethren. With the 19th AFL team licence granted for the game’s first Tasmania team, the AFL has celebrated the unique family structures of the region by creating a special supplement to the father /...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A moderately popular man in a local friendship group is today facing a barrage of questions, after turning up in some fresh new kit.  Rolling into a reportedly low-key Saturday session with a group of his nearest and dearest, Aaron Townie was met with questions about his choice of headwear.  “Uh-oh, what’s going on with your lid,” laughed one of...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A Betoota Ponds woman has this week been spotted turning a bright shade of red, after her boyfriend uttered the most romantic sequence of words she’s ever heard in her life.  This event is said to have taken place at a friends barbecue over the weekend, which saw a group of their closest friends enjoying an afternoon of beverages...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The most middle-class people in the country are tuned into a sporting spectacle happening somewhere in America right now. It's a big enough game for James William, a 29-year-old guy that still lives with his happily married parents in their six-bedroom Hotondo tent in Betoota Heights they purchased in 1997 as part of a local...