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Dan Apologises For Bailing On Comm Games, Says He’s Suffering From Event Cancellation Withdrawals

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT The Victorian Premier has today apologised for acting out this morning. Dan Andrews caused a stir when he revealed the Commonwealth Games were off. Set to be hosted in regional Victoria in 2026, the games were announced to much fanfare last year. The international event was set to be hosted across the cities of Geelong, Ballarat, Bendigo, Shepparton...

Local Teacher Was Actually Working Most Days And It Actually Wasn’t A Fucking Holiday… Okay

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local high school teacher has cleared up a big misunderstanding today. Jess Racehlle (28) from our town's Betoota Heights district has revealed that she has NOT been on holiday for the last couple of weeks. While technically she has had just over two weeks off work to do whatever she wants, Jess says it's been far from...

Bag Of Assorted Hire Clubs At Beach Town Golf Club Will Be The Best Local Man Will Ever Use

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A holidaying young man has spoken of how well he played today at the Lake Betoota Golf Club this afternoon despite leaving his clubs back home in the French Quarter. Faced with hiring a set, local 18-handicap Mark Goonley told reporters that he wasn't prepared to set the course alight like he did today. Despite...

Strings Teacher At Wagga Conservatorium Just Hoping She Can Still Keep Her New $60,000 Violin

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT As the dust settles from the recent Love Island-esque saga to erupt from the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC), it’s believed one local in Wagga Wagga has been keeping a low profile. A beloved figure within the local classical music community, violin maestro Andrea Rieu (58) has been conducting and teaching string quartets for over ten years...

Australia Tells EU They’ll Be Banned From Selling Bega Cheese If They Keep This Feta Stuff Up

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Australia has returned serve in a souring EU trade deal by letting those continentals know they will no longer be able to sell cheese from the Bega region if they keep this up. At the time of writing, a potential trade deal between Australia and the European Union has stalled as the EU is insisting that any deal would...

Mate Who Claims To Hate Drama Following The Jonah Hill Story Pretty Bloody Closely 

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In what may be an interesting change in character, local drama hater Tia West (25) has found herself following the Jonah Hill/Sarah Brady saga pretty bloody closely. Earlier in the week, professional surfer Sarah Brady shared screenshots of her conversations with ex-boyfriend Jonah Hill, in which he somehow came off as more of an insecure misogynist than his character...

Dutton Confirms Liberals Will Oppose Symbolic Appointment Of A Woman To Lead Reserve Bank

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Liberal leader Peter Dutton announced this morning in Canberra that the Opposition will oppose the appointment of a woman to a senior leadership position. Reserve Bank Governor Philip Lowe has not been given another term as the head of our nation's central bank, with the position being filled by his deputy Michelle Bullock, who will...

Bank That You Trusted With Your Money Can’t Believe You Got Scammed, Wishes They Could Help

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT An Australian bank has shown their human side today by agreeing it is a total bummer one of their customers got scammed and wishing there was some way they could help. As one of the holy trinity of Australia’s most hated institutions, banks control a good deal of everyday life by influencing the never ending push and pull caused...

Local Grifter Who Owes Everyone Money Flaunts Extravagant Euro Trip On Social Media 

STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACT "How are they affording this" - was the question asked by a member of a closed group chat, accompanied with an Instagram Story of well known local grifter dancing on the tables at a popular beach club on the Greek Island of Mykonos.  Making sure to document their every move on social media, no hotel, club or restaurant...

NSW Summon ‘Spirit Of Origin’ To Claim They Actually Won The Series

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT It's a beautiful morning south of The Tweed and north of Wagga Wagga. The sun is shining and the weather is sweet, after the underperforming heroes of Australia's shittest state finally managed to win a game of Origin. Turning up to rip in like they didn't when it counted in the actual games that mattered, NSW took...

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