Bloke Who Did Dry July Completely Legless After Drinking One Strong Kombucha
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
A local man is struggling to remember his own birthday this afternoon after attempting to improve his gut health.
After spending the last 31 days booze free, Ethan Bradshaw (28) was seen stumbling out of the Betoota Ponds IGA slurring his speech whilst holding an empty brown bottle of passionfruit & mango kombucha.
“Mate I was just a...
AFR Geniuses Confirm CommBank Making $10.2 Billion Profit Is All Part Of Controlling Inflation
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
The great minds at our nation's most prominent economic publication, have today moved to quell any concerns about the way our system is being run.
One of the senior economic columnists at the Australian Financial Review has confirmed that giant corporate profits are all part of 'combatting inflation and getting our economy running smoothly.'
Andrew Mosman-Toorak (76) penned...
Report: Naked Coffee Hardest Part About Quitting Darts
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A report by QuitLine has confirmed that the absolute hardest part about quitting darts is having to drink your morning coffee completely naked.
For those afflicted with both a nicotine and caffeine dependency, the morning is the absolute best part of the day when you get to pause work, life, commitments and God to get the fix of that dark and...
Logical And Rational Engineer Prays To The A.I Gods That They Will Find A Way To Bypass Architects
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
After a testing morning at work, local man Brendan Smith is trying to have a conversation with the powers at be upstairs.
The Betoota Heights Engineer currently based on the redevelopment of South Betoota Metro station says he is now flat out begging the A.I gods to come to his saviour.
"Please Nerdius, god of the A.I, find...
Man Comes To Terms With Ageing By Admitting He Likes ‘Pistachio Flavour’
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A Betoota man has made peace with his slow shuffle towards the grave by realising he finally enjoys and appreciates things that are ‘pistachio flavour’.
At age 29, Flight Path District local Harley Button has come to terms with being in the autumn of his lifetime as hairs fall from his head like dry and copper foliage drifting ever...
Denmark Happiness Index Plummets to 99.2% Following Round Of 16 Defeat To The Renters
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
Danes woke up in their socialist utopia to defeat following their team’s 2-0 loss to the Matildas on Monday night.
“I’m at a complete loss for what to do,” said local shoemaker Christian Jorgenssen. “I guess I’ll just ride my bike to work, eat some herring and enjoy the benefits of living in one of the most developed and...
Woman Who Would Like A Greyhound But Smaller And Terrified Every Waking Moment Of Its Life Finds Perfect Pet In Whippet
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
A French Quarter woman has finally found the right pet for herself this week, after her exhaustive list of requirements made it difficult to find the perfect match.
Gina Matters told The Advocate that she’d originally thought about getting a greyhound ideally but had wanted something smaller and ‘more nervous’, to the point where every waking moment was...
Nan Throws Out Iconic Danish Biscuit Tin In Show Of Solidarity With Matildas
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
A Betoota Heights grandmother of 11 has today shown her colours, and issued a huge statement in solidarity with our Matildas.
Walking out onto the front porch while her granddaughter filmed for the family group chat, Beverly Hills decide to toss her famous Danish Biscuit tin in the bin.
An icon of the Hill's household, the old biscuit...
“The Voice Will Undermine Our Democracy” Says Man Who Spent 13 Years Illegally In Office As A Foreign Citizen
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
The twice former Leader of the National Party has today spoken out about one of the biggest concerns in his life.
Barnaby Joyce has revealed that he holds grave fears that the Voice to Parliament could be a threat to our democracy.
A man who voted on the passing of thousands of new laws in both the upper...
Local Man Returns From North Queensland Holiday With Bad Case Of The Port Douglas Measles
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A French Quarter man has brought home more than great memories from our state's north this week after getting bitten by every sandfly in the Douglas Shire, leaving him with what's known as the Port Douglas Measles.
Not to be confused with Byron Measles, which is similar to the more traditional, lethal variety of measles,...
