ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Of the many side-swept and half-fucked Mercedes Benzes that potter about our bustling inland port city, not many are more fucked than that of the Royal Betoota Country Club women’s captain, Wendy Dollarhyde.
Wendy’s B200 Mercedes-Benz buzzbox has extensive body damage and makes a dreadful noise, especially in reverse.
Her friends say it’s been driven up every curb from Betoota to Beirut – and back. It’s frequently merged into other cars while Wendy is trying to traverse Greens Road at 3 pm after a long day slapping the white ball up the fairway with her trusty 9-wood.
By all respects, that B200 has had a tough life.
A new study, conducted by the CSIRO (the nation’s peak scientific body), has found that a completely and utterly fucked Mercedes-Benz B200 is a key indicator that the owner is a wealthy older lady who enjoys getting absolutely hammered on white wine before getting behind the wheel.
The CSIRO explained that while some men also inhale white wine then go for a drive, it’s the link between the rooted B200 wine bus and the owner demographic that makes it outstanding and worthy of reporting.
“If you see a B200 being driven by an elderly white woman in the late afternoon, stay the hell away from it,” said the study’s conclusion.
“You run the risk of being side-swept or worse. There’s also next to no chance that the driver will stop because they won’t know they’ve had an accident until the next day when they will blame someone at the David Jones carpark for not leaving a note.”
“This study is rooted in science.”
As for Wendy’s B200, she told The Advocate that her car is frequently reversed into at the shops, which is why it looks like a trodden-on Pringles can.
More to come.
