ALISON SCHENK | Entertainment | Contact
A local woman is rejoicing today after finally thank-you-next-ing her boyfriend of 5 years (6 if you count his gap year in London but they don’t).
What started out as a ‘fine I guess’ relationship, quickly devolved into chaos during the first COVID lockdown when her ex, Joseph, had way too much time on his hands and discovered the Zeitgeist videos on Youtube.
‘What followed can only be described as a descent into absolute obsession with the idea that the Illuminati exists, and then telling me everything about how the illuminati exists. Daily.’
Sure, one could say that Joseph was somewhat late to the conspiracy theory party, but rest assured he came wearing a f*ckin tux.
The obsession with the idea that the world is run by a higher power of elites is nothing new for society, and can be dated back really to the beginning of religion. However with the invention of the internet, the last two decades have seen an astronomical rise in poorly made Youtube videos circling any triangles in pop-stars film clips, and drawing ‘third eyes’ on Barack Obama.
While some couples were binging Ted Lasso, out for walks or on picnics, Joseph was holed up in his ‘study’ (the hallway table in their 1 bedroom Roma Hills apartment), learning the Freemasons secret handshake and planning a trip to their headquarters in San Francisco to ‘give it a whirl and see what happens’.
“Apparently there’s some airport in the US that has heaps of Illuminati art in it. Oh and also Beyonce and Jay Z like run the Illuminati’. When asked to expand further, the local woman replied ‘man I don’t f*ckin know. I’m just stoked that triangles can just be triangles again.”
When asked how Joseph took the break up, the local woman replied ‘oh he’s fine. He’s got Reddit’.
At the time of reporting, the local woman is happily watching Beyonce’s Homecoming alone, in peace.
