RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
The Principle fund manager at Betoota’s largest super fund has today handed in his resignation, effective immediately.
Adam Franklin’s (37) resignation comes after he reportedly found out that everything he thought he knew about financial markets was wrong.
“I visited Madame Minx’s House of Tarot down on Black Street in behind Spec Savers this morning,” a worried Franklin told the Advocate as he cleaned out his office desk one personal item at a time.
“I’ve been seeing her for years. Today I asked if it was the right call to invest another $62.4 million of our member’s super into Ethereum and Dogecoin.”
Franklin’s face went pale as he spoke.
“She didn’t answer directly – she never does – but the cards revealed that the crypto collapse may have further to go,” he gulped.
The Advocate can confirm that given the last 5 years of crypto collapses, this was a safe prediction that anyone could make.
“Minx is never wrong,” continued Franklin.
“Like me, she’s an empath. She reads energies and can intuit future events. I think she gets a lot of it from her former life as a goat.”
Our reporter must have looked sceptical because Franklin abruptly yelled: “Nah fuck ya dead set the cards don’t lie! And I can prove it.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out what appeared to be several tarot cards, both worn and crinkled around the edges.
“With these pentacles and cups she predicted that I should buy Bitcoin at the start of 2017 with the fund’s money. I was always too scared to take that risk, but I did it and Bitcoin mooned later that year!”
His demeanour then turned dark and he slumped into his chair.
“She told me to sell it all too, but I was too concerned about the tax implications.” Tears began to push out from his bloodshot eyeballs.
“I’ve just kept on buying more crypto as it tanked, thinking ‘buy low, sell high’ you know?”
Franklin confided in the Advocate that over the last 6 years he has built up a considerable position in both Bitcoin and Ethereum for the fund, so much so that he believes if the crypto collapse is only going to continue, then the fund’s members are basically fucked.
“I’ve got to go see Minx again,” he said and ran out of the building.
