LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Just like a former co-worker with a better job dropping by to see what’s happening, a young Aussie has decided to visit the UK to see what could have been.
A descendant of miscellaneous British convicts, young Betootan Dan Toppelmoore (21) has decided to do a gap year in the UK because when your culture is ‘standard white Australian’ even the UK seems extremely exotic.
Landing on motherland soil for the first time, it took Toppelmoore just 48 standard Britonish hours before he sincerely thanked his ancestors for ignoring the laws of this place and getting sent to Australia.
“No one told them it’s meant to be summer right now,” stated Toppelmoore, the only person on the dreary London street seemingly affected by the falling drops of rain.
“I’ve asked for directions 40 times and everyone just keeps walking. It’s like I’m trying to sign them up for a charity!”
“I’ve been told a lot of them don’t like Aussie’s because so many of us come over and overstay our welcome. I mean, the nerve, the absolute hide on them.”
Finally catching up with a distant cousin, Toppelmoore was taken to one of the most visited sights in the damp rainhole his ancestors originated, the Bumbledeer Rocks.
“They literally were just rocks. Like, the size of my fist. There were people lining up for photos with them, buses full of people. They know I’m from Australia right? What are they going to try and impress me with next? Their beaches and coffee?”
Toppelmoore’s cousin then informed him some of the tourists were Northerners who do unBritish things like watch Rugby League and tell the truth, prompting Toppelmoore to immediately run onto the bus and head up north.
