ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A Betoota Heights husky gent doesn’t know it yet, but his mother just purchased one of his Christmas presents from the cool clothes shop down at the local Stockland shopping centre.
Kevin Peter, a 34-year-old barge arse, will be guilted on the morning of the 25th of this month into wearing his Christmas present to his mother’s family’s Christmas lunch in Betoota Grove, where he will be mocked mercilessly by his private school cunt cousins behind his back.
Unfortunately for Kevin, his mother purchased him a pair of Lee skinny jeans from General Pants Co that haven’t even been pre-distressed to look stylish. They’re still a deep, rich indigo blue in colour with every seam stitched together perfectly. Not cool.
These jeans will barely fit Kevin, who will smile and say thank you to his Mum for the gift. But as for wearing them to Christmas lunch, he will tell his Mum maybe he’ll wear them another time.
Kevin’s Mum will sigh and say she knew they were the wrong jeans. She’ll promise to take them back, and that’ll be that. Because he grew up in a lower-middle-class home, he will say no, it’s fine. He will wear the pants. Please, anything to minimise your suffering.
Shortly before they leave for their cousin’s place for Christmas lunch, Kevin will stand nude in front of the mirror. He will try to put the jeans on, but he knows it’s like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. Cram a sausage back into the pig’s intestine after it’s been split open by the heat and pressure of the cooking process. If he had to wear these jeans, he was going to wear what he wanted on top. His favourite shirt, a purple number with cannabis leaves on it. Kevin’s Mum sees what he’s wearing; they subconsciously understand the agreement, and they leave.
“Well, well, well,” said Kevin’s jumbo forehead cousin as he enters the living room.
“If it isn’t the Christmas Chungus! Hey Kev! Nice jeans, man!”
They laugh. They don’t think they’re nice jeans at all. Kevin’s Mum hears this.
“Hi boys! Merry Christmas, Lachie and Alasdair!” she says.
“Where’s your Dad? If he’s already out the back drinking?”
Kevin laughs.
More to come.
