The third day of competition at the Beijing 2022 Winter Olympics is underway, in a region of China not commonly known for hosting stoner whiteboys who are sponsored by energy drink companies.

However, as exciting as it is to watch grown adults break the sound barrier with limited control of their own fate, the Winter Olympics Committee are still being forced to defend their existence.

For the Australian readers who don’t have a gambling problem severe enough to cause them to watch mid-week winter sporting events in February, the Winter Olympics is a major international multi-sport event held once every four years for sports practiced on snow and ice.

And once again, the Winter Olympics is receiving criticisms over the fact that no one who lives with 20,000 kilometres of the equator know how any of these sports are judged, or what the athletes are trying to achieve.

Aside from the ancient Nordic and First Nations events like curling and ice hockey that have been a staple inclusion in the Winter Games since the Greeks first discovered snow in the early 1920s, majority of the current events are just a high-octane combination of excessively large ramps and ACL injuries.

However, as the criticism mounts up, the Winter Olympics Committee have hit back.

“We reject claims that majority of our events were only invented to keep TV broadcasters happy by stretching our event out over an entire week” says Australia’s Winter Olympics Delegate, Kerrod From Cooma.

“I mean, I know snowboarding is probably a bit rogue, and is mostly targeted at the youth”

“But we have plenty of normal, established and historically popular events”

“Like… Ummm”


“Well that was technically part of the Pentathalon. And we haven’t done that since 1947. But…”


“What about bobsleigh? Haven’t you ever watched Cool Runnings?”

“Upside down unicycle ice archery? That’s pretty popular?”

“What about the motorbike ice jump?”

“Ahhh shut up. Just fucking watch the games. What else have you got to do? Go outside and catch Omicron?”


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