14 July, 2016. 15:025

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact

With a dead rubber, pointless rugby league match set to be broadcast in a couple hours from now – the great unsung heroes of Channel Nine sport are furiously doing what they do best.

It is believed that the Channel Nine NRL orchestra have been ‘flat chat’ for the last eight hours under the close direction of Nine commentator Phil ‘Gus’ Gould.

“This is one of the biggest challenges our orchestra will ever have to go face to face with,” says 3rd string violinist, Hamish Whistler (47).

“A dead rubber third match is always very difficult. Working under Mr Gould, it is our duty to create a feeling of euphoria amongst the audiences during the pre-match ramp up,”

For many years now, the NRL State Of Origin has opened each match with a sensationilised and emotive Phil Gould sermon minutes before kick off.

With Gould expected to use expressions like “Mate vs mate, state vs state” or “Gladiatorial combat” when describing the pointless third match (of a series that has already been won by the historical dominative Queensland Maroons), the orchestra is a very important inclusion to the pre-match entertainment.

“Seriously, Channel Nine is competing with the SBS tonight, that’s how entertaining the Blues are” said Gould.

“We need to get some serious string and brass to make this thing feel like an important moment in history,”

“It’s a lot of work, but we’ve committed to three matches every seasons for over 25 years – even though we haven’t needed more than two matches for the most of the series over the last decade,”

When asked about his expectations for tonight’s result, even the notoriously one-eyed Gould couldn’t help but admit that the modern New South Wales team is pathetic.

“Legacy. Dynasties. Pride – these things are all on the line here,”

“But… Yeah, I have no doubt that the Blues are going to embarrass themselves.”



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