LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Although it all seems good and well in the usually unnewsworthy suburb of Betoota Heights, local dad Kieran Weston (53) is harbouring a secret so vile that he reminds his wife and children of it every chance he can get.
While Weston may appear to be the average mild-mannered, church on Christmas, footy coach if no one else wants it type of suburban dad, he actually walks around with the distinguished chip on his shoulder of not loving all of his fellow man.
For you see, despite never participating in anything more violent than a dispute on who was next on the swings, Weston has an enemy; local chemist Billy Crescent.
“Bloody Crescent Head,” spat Weston, as we enquired into the feud that turned a usually happy man into that of a massacre survivor.
“You know he is only a chemist because he couldn’t make it as a doctor? Who would want a great buffoon like that checking them for skin cancer?”
According to Kieran’s partner, Alice Weston (50), she has no idea why her husband despises the local chemist so, only that it has gone on for as long as she can remember.
“He makes us go over to Betoota Ponds to get a prescription filled. He says that if Billy knew about our ailments he would ‘use them against us.’”
As part of our reporting, The Advocate approached Crescent for a comment and was told by the chemist that he had no ill will towards his old mate Kieran and would love to catch up for a drink at the Ox Teeth some time.
“Oh of course he said that!” stated Weston, slapping the table as if cornering his opponent in a cat and mouse style chase.
“That’s what he’s like! He knows I never go around the Ox because his in-laws own it and I will never do anything to support him or his. He’s a charlatan, an absolute boofhead who probably still doesn’t know how to give correct change for a tenner!”
MORE TO COME.
