ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Betoota Gold Cup was the scene of many dramatic victories and losses this weekend – but none more so than Jack Rivers’ win he had alone in a trackside portaloo.
Speaking candidly to our reporter this morning through the flyscreen door of his rendered brick Betoota Heights display home, the 29-year-old explained that he’d had nine stubbies of beer before breaking the seal.
Which, he says, his more than usual.
So with his well-worn iPhone 5, he set out to the row of portaloos to see if he had enough body juice to break his personal best portaloo piss flap drop record.
“I did 17 flap drops at the Polo about four years ago,” he said.
Rivers is home today sick from work with the Toohey’s Flu, as he calls it.
“And that was after breaking the seal after six beers. So the first thing I did was get my phone out to film the record attempt.”
The part-time music student at South Betoota Polytechnic College told his WhatsApp group that he was about to go for 18 piss flap drops just minutes before the attempt.
With the best wishes of his very own digital men’s shed, Rivers walked into that portaloo a man – and emerged a hero.
“I did 22. That’s like two and a bit litres of urine. Honestly. 22 regulation flap drops. I started having an out of body experience at about 16. It felt like I had a fucking netball or something trapped in me that had a slow puncture in it,”
“I felt the pressure on my belt start to decrease. When it was all over, I felt fantastic. Like you could hitch a chisel plough to the back of my belt and watch me rip up a thousand acres with my two legs. Invincible.”
The video, which is about 3 minutes in length, shows the hero’s ample penis a number of times during the attempt as to verify that it wasn’t coming out of a water bottle or something to that effect.
However, due to that fact, The Advocate has chosen not to share it publically.
If you’d like to see the record-breaking video, please come down to The Advocate‘s offices in the Old City District and we’ll get someone to put it up on the big screen for you.
More to come.
