CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
A forced handshake between two men who do not have the means to engage with legal representation, or private healthcare, has saved the Australian tax-payer close to half a million dollars over the weekend.
This comes after a melee between two drunken clowns was hosed down by their own mates, just after midnight at the local pub on Saturday evening.
While neither of them live below the poverty line, local blokes Oliver Sparkes (27) and Michael Barrett (29) are dumb and reckless enough to roll the dice on extremely costly repercussions that neither of them are prepared for.
It is believed the barney started on the dance floor at around 1:15am, and resulted in close to 16 jersey punches and about 45 spilt drinks.
While no one knows whether or not it was started over a girl or a rogue dance floor elbow, witnesses say it took a little longer than expected to seperate the two men – mostly because of the infectious vocals of of US country music singer Luke Combs, who’s song ‘Hurricane’ was pulsating through the entire venue at the time of the dust-up.
Despite both men being gainfully employed, and sharing mutual friends, it seems both were prepared to put their entire livelihoods and social standing on the line out of pride.
However, due to the isolating behaviour of both men, and the fact that both of them are considered the ‘goose’ in their social circles, neither of the blokes they had arrived at the pub with were willing to escalate things.
With close to 15 people involved in the highly physical de-escalation tactics, the pub’s bouncers made the executive decision to let their friend’s resolve this conflict internally, to avoid sending over a dozen blokes out onto the footpath to engage in a far higher octane model of alcohol-fuelled violence.
This resulted in a forced handshake in the TAB at roughly 1:30am, after both groups had managed to wrangle the two antagonists into the same room.
“Quite a relief really” said one witness, a local bachelorette who was present for this tedious reminder of the town’s lack of quality men.
“I know those boys, and let me tell you. They aren’t big life admin”
“I can almost guarantee the tax payer would be covering all the medical bills for the broken jaws and busted eye sockets”
“and likely any legal fees that were to emerge from both personal injury and collateral damage to the venue and patrons”
