“So what ya wanna do….” says Grandpa Kev, as he unfolds the straight razor.

“Bung a bit of water on your face. Like so”

“Then you grab the can of shaving cream. Give her a little shake. Like so”

“Then apply a consistent layer across ya chin, under the nose, and the cheeky”

It’s really come to this.

Grandpa Kev has today realised his role as Australia’s stand-in Prime Minister might continue indefinitely after our discovering the husky young bureaucrat from Kirribilli doesn’t even know to shave.

This follows the news that Kevin Rudd has relocated from his home in Brisbane back to the secondary official residence of the Prime Minister of Australia, in an effort to help mentor Scott Morrison in his duties as the leader of Australia, and as a man.

Rudd’s decision to step out of retirement to return to unofficial duties as an Australian statesmen appears be one he was forced into in early June – after he was approached by senior business figures who begged him to take over the negotiations with multinational pharmaceutical suppliers in an effort to accelerate our nation’s bungled jab roll-out.

Since moving back into Kirribilli House earlier this month, Grandpa Kev has been awash with simple tasks that need tending to, as he becomes very well aware that Australia’s current leader is nothing but a two-bit happy clapper with absolutely no problem-solving skills.

But today was beyond the pale. Grandpa Kev has only just realised the scale of restructuring needed inside the current Prime Minister’s office, after learning that Scotty From Marketing is unable to shave.

Knowing full of the Prime Minister’s love of shortcuts, Grandpa Kev has opted to not fuck around with disposable or electric razors. Instead he’s gonna show him how a real man shaves.

“How the fuck do you usually get by?” Grandpa Kev asked Scotty, as he delicately drags the blade up his face.

“Oh. I dunno…” mutters a defensive Scotty.

“I usually have… I dunno a…”

Kev interrupts, before Scotty has the chance to regurgitate any more spin.

“A maid?” he chuckles.

Scotty sighs and nods.

“Yeah it shows” says Grandpa Kev.

“I know you that you’ve tried to spit out your silverspoon”

“But no matter how many Cronulla Sharks games you go to…. You’ll always be a privileged little toff from Bronte”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here