The entire state of Victoria was sent into yet another indefinite lockdown last Friday, as Melbourne’s coronavirus cases continue to climb off the back of the newest quarantine outbreak.

There were 49 active cases as of midnight on Saturday.

When asked how the federal government planned on supporting casual workers through their fourth lockdown, Trade Minister Dan Tehan has said “I dunno go to Centrelink” – while also stating that he couldn’t guarantee any stood down workers would meet the criteria for any welfare payments.

With the new Melbourne cluster now once again infiltrating the aged care sector, questions are being raised as to why the fuck our government hasn’t met one of their 12 different targets for the jab roll-out

Last week, Health Minister Greg Hunt told Australians who are concerned about receiving their jab because of misguided fears of blood clots, that they could simply wait until the end of the year to receive one of the ones that Morrison had.

He was was later forced to backtrack on the comments because they were seen by many as encouraging the same medical skepticism that is rife on social media in these uncertain times.

With Morrison constantly shifting the goal posts for expectations surrounding immunisations, it has become clear that not one member of our Federal Cabinet is capable of getting these jabs administered on a concrete timeline.

That’s why we at the Betoota Advocate think the roll-out should be taken off their hands, and the responsibility be given to a 19-year-old delinquent named Boyd* from Betoota Ponds.

Here’s a list of seven reasons why Boyd would be better than the PM at rolling out the jabs.

7. Commitment

Boyd has actively made the decision to spend his teenage years delivering sensitive goods to drunken locals, mostly outside of work hours. You can’t question his commitment to the life of a drug runner.

6. Accountability

Boyd knows very well that his reputation will suffer if he is seen to be delivering low quality doses of whatever is in the boot of his car. His bosses are also relentless in their monitoring of his output.

5. Ambition

Unlike our government officials, Boyd recognises that in order to climb the ranks as a late night urban courier, he needs to impress both his bosses and his customers.

4. Follow Up

In the case of follow up jabs, all anyone needs to do is save Boyd’s number to their phone and send him a vague SMS when the times comes to ‘re-up’ on their goodies.

3. Deadlines

Boyd doesn’t set unrealistic targets. If he says he’ll be out front in an hour, the longest you’ll have to wait is three.

2. Inclusivity

The truest form of egalitarianism is petty crime. A customer is a customer, and a client is a client. Boyd does not prioritise age or occupation. When Boyd is on, everyone is on.

1. Turn Around

In his current role, Boyd’s plug is a bunch of burnt Afghanistan war veterans who like to ride and collect motorbikes. While Morrison only decided to secure one single version of the vax from Oxford University back in September last year, Boyd only works with suppliers that can meet his demand. When it comes to the roll-out of highly sort after scientific conconctions, Bikies are well known to be more reliable than major pharmaceutical manufacturers.


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