HAMISH BEAUREGARD | New York City | Contact

The latest out of New York is that Conor McGregor, the famed prizefighter and Irish tall-poppy, is currently wanted by police over a string of incidents at a UFC press conference this morning – local time.

The 29-year-old private jet has been grounded by the US State Department and as of right now, Conor McGregor is currently at large somewhere in New York City.

“It’s great, isn’t it?” said UFC president Dana White.

“This was a controversial character arc, I really pushed for it. Some other people on the board weren’t too sure about making Conor a wanted criminal but the interest around this has been huge. The hype and buzz around UFC at the moment is unprecedented and it’s all thanks to one man,”

“My friend Vince McMahon.”

McMahon, who built the greatest sports entertainment empire the planet has – and will ever see, confirmed he and White are due to meet again later today to discuss where to take Conor’s character next.

As the founding chairman of the World Wrestling Entertainment [WWE] (née Federation), McMahon was responsible for crafting the engaging, entertaining WWE characters and story arcs. It’s a skill only matched by film and television – but it’s presented under the proviso that it’s real and full contact.

“There’s no doubt, the punches and kicks in UFC are real,” said McMahon, who smiled and lightly punched our reporter on the arm.

“Which is what makes it seem so real. The fighting is real but all the drama associated with UFC is manufactured and scripted. I’m not going to lie to you, the WWE has been in a bit of a decline recently and the UFC is where we’re losing angry, frustrated 20-something men,”

“They’re also the easiest demographic to influence and entertain. If it goes fast, makes loud noises or bleeds when punched, young men will probably enjoy it. If they don’t, there’s always soccer. Anyway, Dana and I are having brunch today to discuss where to take Conor next.”

Back in South Betoota, our reporters visited a popular ‘combat gym’ to discuss the admissions from Dana and Vince, as well as the ongoing saga involving Conor McGregor and the New York City cops.

However, the conversation quickly soured after The Advocate suggested that perhaps this whole thing is scripted and nothing you see is actually real.

“We might be living in a simulation, but Conor is proof that there can be glitches in the matrix,” said one white-collar warrior.

“You better leave, bro. Before things get real nasty. Before somebody bounces your head off the floorboards like a basketball,” said another.

“Dude, Conor is our hero. How about you fuck off back to Fernwood and get on the elliptical, you left-wing piece of shit. Fuck off out of our gym, bro!”

Our reporter drew his employee-issued Colt Detective Special and put one in the roof before backing slowly out of the combat gym. None of the fighters seemed interested in continuing the conversation outside and our reporter was able to flee the scene without injury.

More to come.


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