Following the shock medical retirements of Jake Friend, Boyd Cordner and Brett Morris – the Sydney Roosters find themselves in the bizarre position of having money to burn on new players.

As the most polished operation in the NRL, the Eastern Suburbs rugby league club is not known for fucking around and signing one-hit-wonders off viral YouTube videos.

They also aren’t the type of club that signs a fading former great, unless they get them for cheap, with their twin brother thrown in as well.

This reputation as the first ever financially literate NRL club dates back to 1992 when their boardmembers decided to not put an ex-player in charge of operations – instead opting to bring on multimillionaire Greek businessman by the name of Uncle Nick Politics.

The now glaringly obvious hole in the Roosters salary cap has left other clubs nervous about what Uncle Nick’s next play is in terms of recruitment.

Due to the pandemic border restrictions, it is believed that the Roosters Chairman’s dream of luring the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Quarterback Tom Brady away from the NRL.

The April whispers of the Sydney Roosters recruiting NBA star LeBron James has also been dashed by the fact that LA Lakers star’s calendar is backed up with events related to the release of the Space Jam sequel.

It is also believed that both Brady and James weren’t that confident they would be able to learn the rules of rugby league in time for a mid-season debut.

Instead, Politis has decided to settle for raiding the entire New Zealand national rugby union side.

A spokesperson for the Sydney Roosters have today confirmed the recruitment drive aimed at signing the entire All Blacks backline.

“We are hoping to get the whole lot” said the Roosters media officer, in a thick Vaucluse accent like Malcolm Turnbull’s.

“Early conversations with the ABs are very positive. We’ll have more to report next week.

It is not known how many Kiwi scalps the Golden Greek has managed to tie to his belt, but given his form in pinballing Sonny Bill Williams back and forth across the Tasman suggests he might be able to get a few across the line.



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