ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Immigration Minister is reportedly at breaking point this Sunday morning after nearly all of the Dunedin-based Highlanders Rugby Union Team have claimed political asylum in the wake of their loss to the New South Wales Waratahs in Sydney overnight.

Spanning 40 games and 722 days, the Highlanders were the first Kiwi rugby team to lose to an Australian one in nearly two years – prompting fears for their safety should they return to the rugby-mad appendix of Australia.

Co-captains Ash Dixon and Ben Smith led their players and support staff into a Department of Immigration office in Sydney this morning and asked for the appropriate paperwork to claim asylum.

Speaking to our reporter via wired telephone this morning, Dixon told The Advocate that we Australians have no idea of what lies in wait for them at home.

“I’ve decided I want to be Australian now,” he said.

“You can lose a game of rugby to a team you should’ve beaten and people just laugh. That’s the dream. There’s so much pressure on us to win at all costs. Now that we’ve lost this Toulouse feeder team, we can’t go home,”

“We’ll be snatched as soon as we get off the plane. John Key said he’d cut our hands off if we lost to an Australian team. Honestly, that guy is a fucking sicko. Please Australia, let me and my boys stay. You might even get to the final next year in Japan with us playing for you!”

However, the calls and pleas have fallen on the deaf ears of the man who ultimately decides their fate.

Former Queensland Police Radar Man, Peter Dutton, has lashed out at the New Zealanders.

He explained to The Advocate this morning via an encrypted end-to-end messenger service that should these Kiwis overstay their visas, there are 30 hot bunks at Villawood waiting for them.

“They will be arrested and deported once their visas expire,” he said.

“And they are not genuine refugees. They’re just in it because they’re too scared to go home after they made some mistakes. Hey! Guess what? Australia isn’t a Club Med for the third-world!”

“Also, how are you still alive up there? My office has sent enough anthrax to kill a boatload of six-tooth wethers to your newspaper over the years and you’re still kicking? Hard to believe.”

More to come.


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