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Territory chief minister Michael Gunner has playfully joked that it’d be so crazy if we played the whole Ashes Series in the NT while the rest of the country burns or is simply too isolated to enjoy themselves.

Mr Gunner said he spoke to Senator Richard Colbeck, a Tasmanian senator, about having the nation’s favourite sporting contest held in the Territory – but like not really.

“Yeah so spoke to Big Dick,” Michael told our reporters today.

“Told him like we can hold the Ashes up here in Darwin now worries. I mean, you can bush Perth, they won’t let nobody in, let alone a bunch of coughing Poms. We will but they’d have to spend 21 days in Howard Springs. No big deal. If the Olympians could do it, the Poms can, yada yada yada. Adelaide? Snooze. Hobart? They didn’t leave England to go to Australian England. Fuck that, come to the Territory,”

“Anyway, told Rich we could a have the first Test here in November time. Yeah sure, it’s in the wet but we’d start early as and get the overs done by about two then we’d all hit the sheds and have some cold cans while Hector watered the oval. Easy as,”

“First Test in Darwin. No brainer there. Second, we go up to the Tiwis. Dry camp up there but it’ll be good to dry out after what I imagine will be a very wet post first Test night out in Darwin. On for young and old, it will be.”

Michael started chuckling to himself.

“Such a crazy plan. Third Test will be out at camp. Get the boys to all camp together out the back of the Timber Creek pub. Won’t be a dry camp this one. Fuck, we’ll get on it, hey. Mids during the drinks breaks. Heavies over lunch and we’ll be getting on the rums after dark. Rinse and repeat, let the best men win,”

“Forth Test has to be out at Gove, Eastern Arnhem country. Plenty of great ovals out there but we’d have to play it out at Nhulunbuy on the beach. The oval near the Surf Live Saving Club. Play from dawn till about lunch. Knock off, have dip and some cold beers then maybe head over to the Golf Club and have a social round with the Poms,”

“Maybe even have a small Ryder Cup-style competition with them? Gove Country Club is up to it. I’ll ring them after I’m done talking to you. It’d be fucken sick,”

“Last Test will be in the Alice. Heart of the country. This’ll be early Jan[uary] so the fucken Poms would be spewing but our boys are used to it so yeah. Anyway, the big finale. Big days in the field, put them all up at the bloody Casino. In the pool after the game, then over to the Juicy Rump for dinner then I guess more piss. Head into town, check out the Rock Bar. Take a few photos and head back to the Casino,”

“Look, I might just be a simple Territorian to those people in Canberra but I reckon this idea is a goer. Damien Martyn, a fucken Territorian to the soul, can be our bid ambassador. I’ll call him after, he’ll be up for it 100%.”

The Advocate reached out to Mr Colbeck for comment but have yet to recieve a reply.

More to come.


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