As Victoria records 57 new locally acquired cases, it seems that the chances of an early release from Melbourne’s extended two-week lockdown are vanishing right before our eyes.

Finally back on deck after fracturing a vertebrae while on a brief holiday between his state’s second and third waves, Victorian Premier Dan Andrews is once again copping all the flak that NewsCorp journalists wish their editors would let them direct at Scott Morrison and Gladys Berejiklian.

However, the fact that Andrews and his colleagues were cheering over the mythical idea of zero community cases not even a fortnight ago has left him exposed like a beach ball in the cricket nets.

When you combine Murdoch’s extremely partisan pandemic coverage with the other global news stories, it should be no surprise that the Victorian lockdown is already being compared to the fall of Kabul.

Sky News producers are today kicking themselves for not drawing this paralell sooner, as they order all of their shiraz-soaked culture war-mongering panellists into the boardroom this afternoon.

“Right!” shouts the Sky News head producer, Wyatt Power.

“Everyone listen up. Especially you drunken After Dark hosts”

The controversial shock jock Andrew Bolt and his less-confident stock protege Paul Murray look up.

“Us?” asks Bolt.

“You are going to tell us what to do? How dare you?! You peasant! Look at you, you are wearing a poly-blend shirt. You don’t get to talk to me like that! I had an agreemant with Rupert! I get to say and do whatever I want as long as it protects abusers in the church and makes Scott Morrison look good. I don’t take feedback from anyone, especially middle class heathens like YOU!!!!”

The entire room goes quiet, as Paul Murray – the Aldi Alan Jones – attempts to back up Andrew Bolt.

“Yeh! What Andrew Bolt said” mutters Paul, who is unfortunately ignored by everyone in the room, the same way he is ignored by Australian audiences.

The head producer finally responds to the vicious attack from the Stolen Generation-denying Toorak blue blood.

“No Andrew…” he says nervously.

“I was just being a smart arse. You know, like one of those larrikins that Rowan Dean always talks about”

“I..I… just wanted to tell you about a new nickname we have for that Labor swine currently in charge of Victoria”

“Go on” snaps a scowling Andrew Bolt.

“How about… Taliban Dan?” says the producer.

The entire room erupts in laughter, including the now disarmed Bolt and his husky, less-intelligent side-kick Paul Murray.

“I love it!” says Alan Jones, who was listening via zoom from his home studio that Sky News built him in Bowral to keep him safe from this virus that he spends each evening denying the existence of on national television.

“Like the terrorists. I love it because he’s like a terrorist and it rhymes!” says Jones.

“I know Rowan Dean used to work in advertising but you can tell that smoothbrain cokehead he’s sacked.”

“Taliban Dan it is!!!”


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