YOU KNOW ME, WHEN HAVE I EVER BEEN SHORT: As more and more of his close associates get charged for either committing or the concealing evidence of sex crimes by the day, Scotty From Marketing is starting to think giving working Australians a bit of free cash might result in the good press he so desperately needs.

The PM had previously slammed a Labor party plan to give Australians a $300 jab incentive payment in a bid to avoid lockdowns and boost struggling businesses.

“It says to them that any health concerns that they have can be paid off” says the Prime Minister, who created this same concerns by drumming up fear around blood clots so that he could shift the jab roll-out targets to accomodate the fact that not enough doses had arrived from the Liberal Party’s beloved Oxford University, which apparently the only pharmaceutical supplier on earth.

“And doing it for the cash, I do not think is what would motivate an Australian.” says Scotty, sounding well and truly like someone who has only ever worked in cushy office jobs and doesn’t understand the shit that everyday Australians are willing to put themselves through for a bit of walking around money.

Mr Morrison said rather than “pay Australians off” he would pay a GP to sit down with them and alleviate their fears, because it goes against his core political ideologies to give money to people who aren’t likely to vote for him.

The $6 billion policy, announced by Labor leader Anthony Albanese on Monday night, would grant the payment to every person who gets their jabs by December 1.

However, today, with the bad press piling up, Scotty is coming around to the idea.

“Okay. Maybe we could do something like this” says the PM.

“I won’t be able to give you $300 exactly. Because that would look like I was admitting that Labor had put a good idea on the table”

“Maybe like $299 or $301”

“I dunno… But we’ll cross that bridge when the good headlines start rolling in”

A gold tooth sparkled from Scotty’s grin, before he encourages Australians to do this one for him on tick.

“Just get your jabs and we’ll talk cash later”

“Swear I’m good for it lad”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here