As hundreds of thousands marched in the streets in protest yesterday, the Morrison Government held the line and committed to celebrating January 26 in the same way the nation has ever since Australia Day was first marketed to us in TV commercials in the mid-90s.

The Prime Minister’s residence at Kirribilli House was kitted out top to bottom in Chinese-made Australian-flag-themed bunting as he invited his closest and most trusted Parliament colleagues, and Barnaby Joyce, over for a barbecue to discuss everything they love about this country that they own and control.

However, much like the jab roll-out, RAT roll-out and booster shot roll-out – the Prime Minister was unable to pull off even the most basic tasks required of him yesterday.

Despite having informed the entire guestlist that he would be putting on the feed, it became clear quite early on in the afternoon that the PM had only organised enough snags for himself.

“It’s not my fault!!!” Scotty From Marketing shouted at his disgruntled colleagues, after the rural MPs voiced their frustrations over having to have driven up to 12 hours only to have been told that they weren’t going to be looked after.

With his back against the wall, and with a crowd of drunken Nationals staring at him only using the top left corner of his tax-payer funded barbecue plate, the PM went on the defensive.

“There’s barely any meat on the shelves. I could only find enough for gourmet wagyu and maple snags for myself”

“I mean, I can’t be paying for everything. You blokes could show a bit of initiative to you know”

When asked why he didn’t think to get on the phone and order more meat in advance, before everyone started lining up, Scotty decided to head to down his well-worn path of state government blame-shifting.

“Because there wasn’t any!!!” he roared.

“I thought I ordered enough but I didn’t. And when I went to the shops, there wasn’t any on the shelf”

“This has always been a state government responsibility. The supply chains aren’t something I can magically fix just by working with major retailers and teenage forklift drivers. There’s a lot to this job you know, and I’d appreciate a bit of slack”

“How was I supposed to know that you all expected to me to put on the food. I provided the barbecue.

When realising his tantrum wasn’t doing anything to help the fact that he still had a backyard full of hungry guests, Scotty decided to slow the roll-out down by shifting targets.

“C’mon fellas. It’s not a race”

“No one ever said this was a ‘lunch’ – a barbecue could easily mean dinner.”

“Just hold your horses, I’m sure this will sort itself out”


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