Scotty From Marketing is expected to declare the Northern New South Wales floods a “national emergency” when he visits the region today – nearly two weeks after evacuations first began.

After being in isolation for 7 days, the PM has faced flak for not immediately flying directly north to witness the damage of this once in a thousand year flood, instead opting to first visit the Lowy Insititute and announce plans to build a nuclear submarine base at ‘one of 13 possible locations’ in 25 years time.

But now it’s time to face the music, after the Morrison Government finally accepts that these climate-change-aided natural disasters do not just sort themselves out – despite the hard work of up to 60,000 local volunteers who had to pick up the slack while they waited a full week for the arrival of defence personnel.

The first stop on his itinerary is the shattered town of Lismore, where The Prime Minister is expected to get a similar reception to the one he got in Cobargo after he flew back from Hawaii and began forcing the bushfire-ravaged residents to shake his hand.

Scotty will also now begin the great blame-shift, and unveil a new ‘disaster response programme’ that will give the federal government greater power to send in defence force assets ‘and skirt around administrative red tape to get financial support out quicker’.

Because of course this whole binfire is the fault of ‘buearucrats’ and ‘the opposition’ – rather than the bloke who sat on his tax-payer funded leather couch in Sydney playing CandyCrush all week.

Deputy prime minister Barnaby Joyce said Morrison should probably expect a bit of abuse Lismore, saying he would be “incredibly surprised” if Morrison was welcomed in the flood-ravaged north coast.

However, to mitigate the risk of copping a spray from exhausted locals, Scotty From Marketing knows he needs to at least look the part.

Standing underneath the chandelier of Kirribilli House this morning, Scotty’s media team fussed over his pre-muddied disaster costume.

“What kind of brown is it?” he barked to his make up artist.

“Is it Smokey Topaz or Desert Sand”

“Remember these are river people. It has to look like it came from the River!”

“My recommendation is the burnt chestnut but I’ll leave it to you guys, I don’t wanna make that call”


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