Former attorney-general Christian Porter has today claimed victory over some unemployed stoners from down the street that he’s been playing Nintendo 64 with ever since his political career went down the toilet.

During a hotly contested game of Mario Kart, the embattled Member For Pearce appeared to be losing quite badly to all three of his opponents, before spitting the dummy and ending the race like a brat.

The three other layabouts in the suburban Perth living room argue that Porter came nowhere close to winning the game, and that his decision to crawl across the shag carpet floor to turn the console off mid-race is what epitomises of a sore loser.

However, Christian Porter MP insists today that he won.

Porter remains committed to the narrative that his supreme Mario Kart skills makes him the winner, and that his decision to turn off the console was all about sparing his opponents. His claims have been supported by Sky News and other journalists that want him to eventually be Prime Minister.

Australia’s highest-paid stay-at-home public servant says that players 2, 3 and 4 should be ashamed of their “humiliating backdown” and that he beat them in Mario Kart “no matter what way they want to spin it”.

Mr Porter has also said that his elite performance on the Lakeside Park map has only reaffirmed his decision to not stand down as the local member for Pearce, and that someone who is able to be such a natural winner in both Mario Kart and the Federal Courts will also be a winner at next year’s election.

“I don’t want to do anything that disrupts the service of this government to the Australian people during what has been an unprecedented and challenging Mario Kart sesh” he said.

“I remain completely committed to the people of my electorate and absolutely will be running at the next election.”

This bizarre claim of unproven Mario Kart victory comes just days after Porter dropped his defamation case against the ABC, because he’s innocent of any crimes – so innocent that he doesn’t want anyone snooping around in his innocentness – while also insisting he won.



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