ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

When Acting Victorian Premier James Merlino speaks, the nation listens.

As the defacto leader of the city-state of Melbourne, it is his responsibility to inform the rest of the country how and when Victoria has shit the bed.

Recently, it’s been several times a day.

Speaking to the media this morning in Melbourne, Merlino had the grim duty to explain the repeated failings of the Federal and his own state government.

“Well, turns out a few of those spicy coughs we thought we had were just like the run of the mill colds or something,” he said.

“Which is a bedshit and on behalf of Victoria, I’d like to apologise to everyone, especially Queensland, for dropping the ball again. But as the leader of the bedshit capital of Australia, it is my unique responsibility and mine only to take charge of said bedshits and make sure they keep happening without any real explanation,”

“My government will continue to work closely with local health authorities to find new and creative ways to shit the bed. I know the rest of the country is counting on us but as Victorians, we can’t promise anything.”

More to come.


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