After hiding out from the media for four days because everyone was trying to ask him questions that he was unable to answer without looking like an incompetent leader, Prime Minister Scott Morrison sacked up last Friday and hosted a press conference, where he mostly spoke about the State Of Origin.

He then spent about four or five minutes explaining Australia’s still very undercooked pathway out of lockdowns and closures, after what Australians can only imagine was a very tense National Cabinet meeting with the Premiers on Friday.

“The good news I have for Australians who are subject to restrictions today is we have agreed a new deal for Australians on the pathway out [of this major historic event that other countries seem to be on top of],” Mr Morrison said.

Mr Morrison said state and territory leaders had agreed to a four phase plan tied to the jab roll-out for over-16s:

Despite still very much lacking concrete metrics 18 months into the pandemic, and failing to set out clear timelines on when the country’s international borders can reopen, Morrison has revealed some exciting new marketing slogans.

“Good news!” said Scotty From Marketing.

“I’ve run a few focus groups on everyday Australians”

“and we’ve decided to ditch the term ‘Horizons’ – because Labor lit us up about using that word instead of targets. It was an easy dunk for them, but yes we didn’t realise at the time of coining that new terminology that ‘no one actually reaches a horizon’…”

“So anyway, we’re also not saying targets anymore, because ‘target’ carries an expectation of actually being met…”

“And Horizons is a bit too vague”

“So now we are going with ‘phases’ – it’s a perfect term because it bends timelines and deadlines, and we are going to have four of them… and I’m not going to tell you when one ends and the other starts. Just know that we have them”

When asked if he had ordered enough jabs to begin this 4-phase approach, Morrison said he really thinks Australia are looking good for a few gold medals in the Olympic power-throwing events and maybe a few in swimming. How good is that.



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