ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Sydney man is today wondering why in Blue Christ the city has recorded a further 35 cases after spending the weekend running all over town for reasons some might deem to be unessential.

Myles Tanner, who lives near one of those overrated beaches down there, told our reporter via telephone that he went to Swedish furniture shop IKEA to buy a lamp, dropped in at popular ice cream chain Messina and went for a stroll along the Bondi Promenade yesterday but prefaced that by saying it was all perfectly legal.

“I just had to duck out and do a few things,” he said.

“Like, here. I got this lamp from IKEA, which is out near the airport because you see it each time you fly into Sydney. Then I got some ice cream for Tinsel and I. Here, say hi Tinsel,”

Tinsel turns out to be the man’s cat.

“Tinsel loves chocolate ice cream so I just popped in. Took two minutes then to cap off a nice weekend, I went for a walk while I burned the salted caramel off and listened to Joe Rogan,”

“But I can’t believe we have 35 new cases of this mild cold! We’ve been in prison for a week now and it hasn’t got any better. If we don’t get let out on Friday, I think we’re just going to revolt against the government. Sydneysiders aren’t a docile people like they are in Melbourne and Brisbane. We do what we want when we want,”

“Unless it has to do with drinking late at night. We can’t seem to be trusted to do that.”

More to come.


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