After almost an entire week of radio silence, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today held a press conference with the aim of distracting from his complete and utter failings when it comes to the jab roll-out.

Fresh out of isolation after a self-indulgent trip to the UK to get photographed with Biden and Boris at a world leaders summit that he wasn’t even invited to, Morrison made a point of mentioning he hadn’t even had the opportunity to see his family yet before getting back to work – because that’s just how committed he is to the most basic requirements of a Prime Minister.

However, with very little international sporting victories or AFP bikie busts to hang his hat on as a distraction from the fact that 70% of Australia is currently in lockdown – Scotty From Marketing has had to hark back to a domestic rugby league match that took place nearly a week ago.

“Haha how good was Origin!!!” said the Prime Minister, while donning a Batchy’s Blues style novelty afro and blue face paint.

“Queensland didn’t even get a look in there. Bit like the jab roll-out hahaha”

“Nah nah nah. Just kidding. Bit too soon hahaha”

“But seriously, I think we all know the real reason why Annastacia was so fired up this week. Her team played like shit!!!”

Scotty From Marketing went on to spend another twenty minutes talking about Game II of the 2021 State Of Origin series, making a point of comparing the stellar performance of the NSW Blues to his own Sydney-centric Federal Government.

“And how bout that John Tedesco!! Isn’t he a talent!!”

“You know, it’s not all Latrell Michaels or Jack Addo-Cart”

“We shouldn’t only congratulate them… There’s a lot of talent in that team. Not just the… ummm… country kids”

Morrison then spent five short minutes discussing the outcomes of today’s testy National Cabinet meeting.

The PM said that the cabinet have agreed to halve the number of people allowed into Australia each week and to set up vaccination targets, which are still vague as fuck and likely to be shifted, after the Queensland Premier was forced to highlight this issue in a blowtorch press conference on Wednesday.

International arrivals will now be capped at 3,035 people a week, down from 6,370.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison said that the Commonwealth, in response to this, would increase the number of repatriation flights – specifically focusing on any stranded Australians who live in targeted marginal electorates and safe Liberal Party electorates.



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