As Melbourne records another 12 new community cases, five million residents are preparing once again to be put under the strict stay-home orders that held the entire city in protective custody for 112 days last year.

The list of exposure sites across Victoria now includes over 80 cafes and businesses in Mordialloc, Carnegie, Burwood East, and Red Hill on the Mornington Peninsula.

This new outbreak has a lot of people feeling nervous, as the city-with-no-views begins to reminisce on just how bad it got last year.

Unfortunately, this also means that everyone who didn’t experience Melbourne’s hard lockdown have to hear about it again.

Decorated veterans of the 2020 Victorian state of emergency who have since fled up north are today taking the opportunity to play tiny violins for anyone who will listen.

“Yeah, bro” says one of Betoota’s newest Victorian expats, Dusty Molloy (33).

“I don’t think you guys like fully fathom, man”

“It wasn’t good”

Courtney Hooper, another ex-Victorian who moved to Betoota to fuck up our house prices and tell everyone how shit the coffee is, says the possibility of another lockdown is no joking matter – and that everyone should be more sympathetic to Melbourne as it faces it’s seventeenth outbreak.

However, while Melbourne wears the badge as a world leader in disease suppression, alongside places including Singapore, Vietnam, South Korea, New Zealand and Hong Kong – they are starting to look like bumbling fools when it comes to the more preventative measures.

This is disputed by Victorians, who are weirdly supportive of their Premier who continuously locks them down without ever adopting a NSW or QLD contact tracing system.

“It’s Morrison’s fault” says Fev Napthine (44), an Auskick coach who moved to the Diamantina last year.

“He’s the one that ordered fuck all vaccinations, and then told us to not rush to take them because of blood clots, and then blamed us for not taking them”

The Victorian makes a good point, but he’s still not getting any sympathy.


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