TARGETS HAVE RES-SHIFTED!!! The Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, and Australia’s chief medical officer have warned people not to “jump to conclusions” and assume a 38-year-old man who died with blood clots developed them due to opening his Census form that arrived in the mailbox last night..

The man died this afternoon, after opening his mailbox earlier this morning.

Australian health authorities have previously concluded two local cases of blood clotting were “likely” linked to potential paper cuts from the census form. Both cases recovered.

Census night is Tuesday, August 10, the Australian Bureau of Statistics is reminding people that they can complete their Census as soon as they receive their instructions. However, these instructions appear to be undermined by the day with the Prime Minister’s constant fear-mongering around side effects.

Morrison said while he doesn’t want anyone to jump to conclusions, this potential link was “still being investigated at a clinical level”.

However, in response to this ‘potential link’ – Scotty From Marketing has still gone ahead to reveal that ‘Australian health authorities’ who he is not willing to name have advised that the online census portal should be given to Australians aged under 50.

This comes amid concerns of rare blood clots potentially linked to census forms, that he has also also told us not to jump to conclusions about.

The United Kingdom has already decided to offer other types of forms for their own census roll-out, such as the online one, to people aged under 30.

Chief Medical Officer Paul Kelly made the announcement, flanked by the Prime Minister Scott Morrison, in an unexpected press conference on Thursday night.

This announcement, which will likely drive millions to begin questioning the safety of the census, has apparently got nothing to do with the fact that the government didn’t order enough census forms to begin with.

“The targets have been re-shifted” said Morrison.

“This is not my fault. The bloody forms are dangerous”

“But when the rest arrive. Please fill them out and forget everything I’ve already said”

“If you don’t… Then that’s just irresponsible”


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