In his second public appearance in one month, Scotty From Marketing has fronted a press scrum outside his multimillion dollar tax payer funded lodge to rattle off some numbers that sound really positive if you aren’t paying much attention.

However, before he could address his pathetic rates of immunisation amongst frontline workers and the elderly, the Part-Time PM quickly dropped the euphoric news that he’s going to host a Royal Commission into why his government has left our military veterans for dead when they return from that war-ravaged country that we quietly pulled our consulate out of a couple months ago.

Once he had finished hand-feeding the Murdoch rags this patriotic announcement to throw on their front pages tomorrow, the Prime Minister turned his attention to the spin cycle and began twisting statistics surrounding the jab roll-out to make it sound as though he is a competent world leader.

“Good news” he began.

“After discussions this morning, it seems that the states having been making great progress getting jabs in arms while I was out of range for the last fortnight”

“I have received confirmation today that 24% of people who work in an aged care facility in Sydney’s Northern Beaches have registered to get their dose in the coming months. So that’s good”

However, while he is aware that our largest metropolitan city is in lockdown, Scotty From Marketing wanted to make it clear that, it is worth mentioning, that, as a sign of how much he believes we are all in this together, it’s not just the Liberal State Governments that are getting all the help.

“I’ve also received word that word that over 50 people, 9 of them frontline workers, in the regional Queensland town of Ipswich had their second dose this month”

“Furthermore, a GP in Geelong said he’s had to turn down 43% less people who booked in to get their jab this week, when compared to last week”

Morrison says these are all good signs, especially if he can delay the next Federal Election until next year, when maybe this binfire of appalling governance is a distant memory.

“Right around Australia, we are seeing numbers that bring us hope, and I just pray that Australians remember that we are all in this together”

“I mean, look at this stat” he said, while shuffled papers and winking at the Sky News camera.

“Look at this”

“Our rates of first jabs for left-handed people aged 90-93 is 13% higher than April”

“It’s all happening here. We are slowly getting on top of this thing. And that is despite the Premiers trying to be as unhelpful as possible”

“Don’t let the 30% of the Australian media market that isn’t owned by NewsCorp convince you otherwise”

“Now all we need to do is tighten restrictions on the poorer multicultural parts of Sydney that this virus has finally made it’s way into after spending a fortnight in the complacent Eastern Suburbs”


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