The newly-crowned Defence Minister Peter Dutton has today experienced the pangs of nostalgia after running into Karen Andrew MP in Parliament House.

After several months since the cabinet reshuffle that saw her take his job as the Home Affairs Minister, Dutton is reportedly bored with the lack of innocent families he’s been able to detain in sweltering offshore prisons with the Defence portfolio.

“There she is!” says Dutton.

“My successor haha”

Karen Andrews MP smiled and nodded, while also making sure to not make physical contact with the notoriously conservative frontbencher, out of fear that she might have her soul sucked from her body through a dementor’s kiss.

“Haha. It’s me” she says, nervously.

A fire flickers in Dutton’s eyes as he remembers all of the joyful perks that came with his old job.

“You don’t know lucky you are, girlie” he says.

“Some of the best times in my life were spent in your chair… Deporting Maoris and detaining Muslims”

“Oi that reminds me, how our my scared widdle Biloela girls? hahah”

Karen Andrews shudders as she is reminded of the most difficult political hospital pass any Cabinet Minister has ever been thrown.

Dutton is of course referring to the the Tamil family of four who were dragged from their homes in the central Queensland town of Biloela in 2017, and have been kept as the sole inmates in the Christmas Island Immigration centre at the cost of upwards of $40m dollars.

They continue to live in a guarded compound under 24-hour watch on the sweltering tropical island – an operation that costs upwards of $30,000 per day keeping the Biloela family on Christmas Island – which costs a lot more than having just let that poor bloke keep his job in the meat works to begin with and helping them through the clerical error that saw their visa expire for 24 hours.

Instead of fighting their pro-bono lawyers in court for half a decade, Dutton took great joy arguing that it’s not the Australian government’s problem that they could be killed in ethnic conflict upon return to Sri Lanka.

But now he’s not in charge of keeping them behind still walls anymore, he’s worried this pointless torture of a loving family might not last forever.

It seems Dutton had grown concerned that Karen Andrews would bring an end to his legacy of destroying the lives of two innocent little Australian-born girls, especially given the international attention their detainment has garnered through a recent BBC report.

“Ya still givin’ it to em? hahaha” Dutton asks Andrews.

Andrews chuckles.

“Fucken oath I am mate!”


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