ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The nation’s peak cricketing body has hosed down speculation that Michael Slater’s new black eye was the result of an altercation between him and misunderstood opener David Warner, telling reporters in Canberra today that Slats was simply injured by falling Chinese space junk.

Cricket Australia’s CEO Kevin Roberts explained that as many people know, an old Chinese rocket re-entered Earth’s atmosphere near the Maldives a few days ago and parts of the celestial missile failed to burn up completely during the transit.

“Unfortunately, Michael was struck in the face by a piece of that space junk and as a result, has quite the shiner [laughs] No, it wasn’t caused by [David] Warner during an alleged fight, which didn’t happen,” said Roberts.

“We’ve been in touch with our counterparts in China, the China Cricket Board, and they’ve assured us that everything is above board [sic] and they’ve regretted the situation but also added that Michael shouldn’t have been standing there in the first place,”

“Which is a position that Cricket Australia is willing to accept, as well as Mr Slater’s employer, who will reprimand him accordingly.”

When asked by our reporters if he’d placed a blanket social media ban on players currently “stuck” on the Maldives, Kevin laughed again.

“Of course I have,” he said.

“Why wouldn’t I after the debacle last week? Michael’s bloody lucky I didn’t give him a black eye after that! [laughs] No, only joking guys. I’d never do that.”

More to come.


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