The NSW Premier has today warned residents of Byron Bay that now is not the time to get experimental with their approach to medicine.

As of last night, Byron Shire, Richmond Valley, Lismore and the Ballina Shire are now subject to stay-at-home orders until at least August 17 after an active case was reported in the Northern Rivers yesterday.

“Please. If you show any symptoms of this virus, please follow the correct protocol. Get tested and isolate” said Gladys Berejiklian.

“I cannot stress this enough… blasting your rectum with water will not rid your body of this virus”

“Neither will a juice cleanse or a silent naked yoga retreat”

“You need cooperate with medical experts, just like the rest of Australia who don’t think they are above our frontline workers”

This comes as Vendors at the famous Byron Bay markets have today reported a critical shortage of ginseng and ginger extracts, as locals prepare for their day of reckoning, where they can prove to the rest of the country that this virus doesn’t kill rich white people who do their own ‘research’ by scrolling Instagram for linenfluencers who are reaffirming their deranged medical skepticism.

Byron Bay community messageboards are currently being hammered with smugly typed manifestos urging locals to defy public health orders – likely the same people who were so horribly offended that a documentary was being made about this same growing culture of entitlement.

However, this free love flower child approach to public health orders appears to be already backfiring for the region, as a recently relocated Sydney man sits in Lismore hospital’s ICU.

He is reportedly refusing to cooperate with authorities after choosing not to check-in at any of the venues he visited – a scenario that we could only ever imagine taking place in the beautiful Northern Rivers.


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