With our Federal Government once again tasked with rolling out a slightly logistical programme that requires clear messaging and engagement with the Australian population, there is very little confidence that things will go as smoothly.

In fact, Australians say the only thing they have confidence in right now is Scotty From Marketing’s ability to fuck up tonight’s census.

Australia’s 18th census night is on tonight, giving every citizen the chance to be counted and assist in painting a clearer picture of our families, communities, faith, income and occupation.

But, like the Prime Minister’s bungled jab roll-out, the simple task of getting a form in front of every Australian, and getting it back with their necessary information filled out – really does feel like something that Scotty From Marketing is well and truly capable of fucking up.

This won’t be the first time the Census has crashed in Australia, either.

It was only four years ago in 2016 when millions of Australians went online to fill out the survey, only to find the website had crashed because our treasurer at the time, Scott Morrison, had wanted to keep costs low and opt for a software that was not capable of handling the rush of people that wanted to complete their societal duties.

Morrison was able to avoid responsibility back then by throwing the poor statisticians at the Australian Bureau Of Statistics under a bus, and leaking to the media that they were out of touch and not yet up to speed with the 21st century.

While this even less inspiring current incarnation of that Liberal-led Government admits that the 2016 episode was a “cluster bomb of disaster” – our new decision makers say they are confident that the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) has learned its lesson and the census was now “pandemic proof”.

Australians, however, say that they will believe that when they see it – and are fully preparing for the website to crash again, only for the government to lie and blame it all on hackers, like they did when the Centrelink website crashed at the peak of the pandemic.


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