Local woman, Eliza Thompson has always been what people would consider a ‘level headed’ person.

Not one to believe in star signs, moon charts, or the effects of mercury being in retrograde, Eliza has never really felt the need to comfort herself with blind faith until now.

She’s just been dumped.

Eliza was reportedly pretty blindsided by her former beau’s decision and has allegedly turned to YouTube horoscope videos to see if, or when, Tim might reach out to her.

This is of course after googling ways to ‘get her ex back’, and kickstarting phase one of her ‘show him what he’s missing’ plan – which includes mercilessly curating her Instagram feed to look like she is having as much fun as possible.

At this point in her life Eliza isn’t looking for tough love or for anyone to tell her she’s better off.

She just desperately needs a woman with a Southern American accent to tell her that yes, Tim is missing her too.

Deep down, Eliza knows full well the reason why there are hundreds of videos to do with unrequited love, crushes, and returning exes – because normal, rational people don’t search for these kinds of things, only desperate people do.

But for now, that and a bottle of sauv blanc will do.

More to come.


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