ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Queensland branch of the Young Liberal National movement has unanimously voted to condemn the 1999 film Notting Hill for its unrealistic portrayal of what it means to be a “bookish incel”.

As many of their members are bookish incels, the political group said today that they felt it necessary to slam Notting Hill and the people responsible for it because of how popular the film is and the psychological impact it may have on young people.

Notting Hill places an unrealistic expectation on our nation’s young bookish men who happen to be involuntarily celibate through no fault of their own,” said Grosvenor Allen Cole, who represents the organisation at South Betoota Polytechnic College.

He brought a tomahawk with him because of this masthead’s endorsement of Bill Shorten last year.

“It’s not like Emma Watson is going to walk into some young man’s bookshop in the French Quarter and ask for a book of poem’s,”

“And then it’s even more unlikely for them to have a chance encounter than results in said young man spilling a delectable and refreshing glass of orange juice down her front. It’s simply fan faction of the worst variety,”

“For a bookish young man who pines for a beautiful woman’s touch, imagery such as that found in the so-called Notting Hill can be like a breath of fresh asbestos! Toxic to the lips, toxic to the mind. Would’ve Hugh Grant’s character been able to swoon that Julia woman if he recited Sonnet 116 to her without breaking eye contact like I know so many Young Liberals can?!”

“No, it would’ve ended in handcuffs. Again. But what is life without the Arts? Just a remake of Pricilla every year until the world disappears up its own arse! Please, stop writing all of this down.”

The Advocate reached out to the Office of the Prime Minister for comment but Mr Morrison had to write the afternoon off to service the Santa Fe – which our reporter was told has become much more difficult because Scott stripped the sump plug turning it the wrong way.

More to come.


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