ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Knights from Order Of The Red Frog Templar have announced today that they’ve had to tip tens of thousands of litres of pancake batter down the drain today after the Queensland Government officially put an end to Schoolies Week.

A giant beige stripe down the Nerang River and out into Broadwater could be seen from the air as the Red Frogs themselves opened the hatches and let the sweet goo run down the gutters and into the marine ecosystem.

Our reporter spoke briefly to a Red Frog today from a safe distance.

“It’s a crying shame we couldn’t put this batter to better use,” laughed Gideon Mark, a polite young man who identifies as a Red Frog.

“We could’ve made pancakes for the homeless but we don’t want to get too close to them right now, because of COVID. Most homeless people think God is a fuckwit, too, because His plan for them involves them living in a park. Fair enough but He has a plan for us all. Some plans are better than others,”

“Like see that dolphin over there?”

Our reporter and Gideon looked into the mouth of the Nerang River to see a dead dolphin getting washed out to sea.

“It was God’s plan for that dolphin to get pancake poisoning and die. It was His plan to cancel Schoolies, we as Red Frogs just have to adapt to whatever He throws at us. Right?”

Our reporter nodded as they watched the dead dolphins get smashed against the rocks by the waves.

More to come.


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