19 December, 2016. 14:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Rubbing his hands over his wearing brow, national cricket coach Darren Lehmann is currently pulling any hair he can find.

As the Pakistanis edge closer and closer to a historic victory, the 46-year-old is beginning to feel the pinch and pressure that a loss such as this can and will bring to him and his players.

“I mean, I just don’t get it, brus,” explained the husky South Australian. “They just need to put that pink nut on the stumps and let them make the mistake.”

“I will freak the fuck out on these fucks if they lose this game. Seriously. I will lose my fucking mind.”

Despite a number of Australian batsmen notching up some solid, career-thawing knocks over the weekend, a loss in Brisbane will put the entire team on notice. In particular, the bowlers.

Selector Trevor Hons has already taken out comprehensive car insurance for his late model Audi after a recently dropped player, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was caught jumping on the bonnet of the Q7 after the Hobart test match.

“I will jump on all their fucking cars if they lose this game. It’s not my fault.”

EDIT: The game is over and order has been restored.


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