An Aryan Betoota local by the name of Angus Jones has today explained why he doesn’t share the same features as his other Italian-Australian mates, claiming that his family migrated to Australia from the North of Italy ‘a few generations ago’.

“They are way fairer up there” he says.

“They almost look like the English. That’s on my Dad’s side”

“I don’t know what’s on my mum’s side. Could be anything”

“Anyway, I thought you wanted to talk about the Azzuri beating Spain.”

“How about Chiesssssaa”

“Playing for Spina, it’s beeautiful”

He then continued on for some time talking about the Italian football team who beat Spain on penalties this morning.

While the rest of his mates comes to terms with the fact that their ethnic heritage isn’t really that interesting and ‘probably Scottish or Irish or something’ – Angus is quick to point out that he is not one of them, and that his family are very proud of their Southern European background.

“My Nonna (Beryl) still buries her cash under the fig tree if you know what I’m saying”

The fact that Angus’s paternal lineage includes over three non-Italian Australian ancestors is seldom brought up, and his blatantly non-Italian name is simply brushed off as his Great-great-nonno having his forms anglicised upon arrival.

“Nah we are still, like, culturally Italian” he says to his mates who want to learn more about his bullshit ties to Europe.

“Mum still cooks from the old book if you know what I mean”


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